Douchebaggery

I'm an asshole...at least sometimes. I yelled at a nice person today. I get annoyed when things don't go my way. When multiple things don't go my way I get more so. I'm sure you can relate. So what went wrong tonight to turn me into a schmuck on wheels, cursing at nice people in Waffle Houses? Hmmm...a bunch of little things that seem small and petty in retrospect, but at the time were really fucking annoying. I'd offered to pick-up dinner because the Ex is broke since she's having to move into a new place. My offer was accepted, or so I thought. I got there first and picked a table so we could all sit together and be able to talk amongst ourselves, but that wasn't good enough, so I moved to where I was feeling cut off from the grown-up conversation. I get the feeling that the nice lady is under the impression that I'm trying to drive a wedge between the Ex and her new BF & so is taking steps to keep me at arm's length - probably my imagination & if I somehow am correct pretty damn far off the mark. The cherry on top tho was when I was told I couldn't pay for the dinner and then chuckled at for insisting again that I be allowed to do so. Then the handle, she flew off. I'm sure I'll be told none of this happened the way it seemed and that I'm just being irrational...of course, by all accounts I haven't been correct for years, so why should I start now. Regardless, I made a spectacle of myself. I apologized after being scolded like a little boy (which I deserved), but I'm pretty sure there'll be hurt feelings for a while over my outburst.

In the end I find myself asking "Is it too much to ask to let me get my way every once and a while? Why does it seem like I'm always the one who has to back down or give in?" I probably do get it my way more often that I realize, at least from another person's perspective, but it damn well doesn't feel that way to me most days.

Inevitablity

So, here I sit with my ex, my kids, and my ex's new bf...who's also a friend of mine. I've been told that I'm too nice, that I'm a doormat - it's prolly true. I've been replaced. I'm not even sure I'm upset about it. He's not a douche like her last bf and it's been 4 years since my marriage self-destructed. I think my big problem is that it was never really a possibility in my mind that she and I could have gotten back together. Now it's not a possibility.

I need to meet women. Preferably the kind that will have sex with me. Who knows when/if that'll ever happen tho. I'm bitter and scared. Not a good combo for the dating scene.