A melange of discomfort

I haven't slept well in weeks & I hardly eat anymore. Which is strange since it's tiring being anxious all the time. You know how they say, "You never appreciate something until it's gone"? Well, here's a variation...you never hold on so tight to something until you're afraid to lose it. The problem for me is that holding on too tight may be the wrong answer. I think I've fucked up my second chance at happiness and I don't know what to do.

Douchebaggery

I'm an asshole...at least sometimes. I yelled at a nice person today. I get annoyed when things don't go my way. When multiple things don't go my way I get more so. I'm sure you can relate. So what went wrong tonight to turn me into a schmuck on wheels, cursing at nice people in Waffle Houses? Hmmm...a bunch of little things that seem small and petty in retrospect, but at the time were really fucking annoying. I'd offered to pick-up dinner because the Ex is broke since she's having to move into a new place. My offer was accepted, or so I thought. I got there first and picked a table so we could all sit together and be able to talk amongst ourselves, but that wasn't good enough, so I moved to where I was feeling cut off from the grown-up conversation. I get the feeling that the nice lady is under the impression that I'm trying to drive a wedge between the Ex and her new BF & so is taking steps to keep me at arm's length - probably my imagination & if I somehow am correct pretty damn far off the mark. The cherry on top tho was when I was told I couldn't pay for the dinner and then chuckled at for insisting again that I be allowed to do so. Then the handle, she flew off. I'm sure I'll be told none of this happened the way it seemed and that I'm just being irrational...of course, by all accounts I haven't been correct for years, so why should I start now. Regardless, I made a spectacle of myself. I apologized after being scolded like a little boy (which I deserved), but I'm pretty sure there'll be hurt feelings for a while over my outburst.

In the end I find myself asking "Is it too much to ask to let me get my way every once and a while? Why does it seem like I'm always the one who has to back down or give in?" I probably do get it my way more often that I realize, at least from another person's perspective, but it damn well doesn't feel that way to me most days.

Inevitablity

So, here I sit with my ex, my kids, and my ex's new bf...who's also a friend of mine. I've been told that I'm too nice, that I'm a doormat - it's prolly true. I've been replaced. I'm not even sure I'm upset about it. He's not a douche like her last bf and it's been 4 years since my marriage self-destructed. I think my big problem is that it was never really a possibility in my mind that she and I could have gotten back together. Now it's not a possibility.

I need to meet women. Preferably the kind that will have sex with me. Who knows when/if that'll ever happen tho. I'm bitter and scared. Not a good combo for the dating scene.

Stood up

So, my date turned out pretty poorly. I got to the restaurant at the agreed upon time and waited. Admittedly, she texted me to let me know that she had a client she had to take care of and that she'd be late. It would have been nice to know she wasn't coming BEFORE I spent an hour and a half being a cliche by sitting alone at the table with two menus and telling the waiter I was going to wait a bit longer. I'm sure the servers and other patrons got a good chuckle at my expense.

What was equally delightful was my ex's response to this. She claims up and down that she's my friend and only wants good things for me, yet when she found out I'd been stood up her first reaction wasn't to get pissed off on my behalf, but to tell me I should try again. What this tells me is that since she's already moved on she doesn't want to have to contend with the guilt of me being alone while she runs off with another guy. I wouldn't really be peeved if it weren't for her habit of feeding me little helpings of affection to keep me interested. I'm pretty much convinced that I will always be a safe fallback for her...the guy she left me for turns out to be the douche everyone told her he was, that's ok she's got me; new boyfriend dumps her to go back to his wife, that's ok she's got me.

I'm also feeling let down by my buddy...tho frankly it's not that big of a surprise. I called to talk after I knew I'd been officially stood up and left the restaurant & I got VM. On top of that I've gotten no response whatsoever...maybe tomorrow he'll pop up and say something. I'm 99% sure the reason was that he was talking to my ex...after all, he's the new boyfriend. I don't really resent them dating - he's far and away a better guy than the guy she left me for. It would have been better for him to end his marriage before starting up a fling with her, but it's their lives, let them screw them as they see fit...maybe it'll work out in the end and they'll be happy. Someone ought to be.

I know, this sounds like a whole boatload of 'poor me' and to a degree it is. Of course, that's why I setup this blog...so I could bitch and moan about my life and hash things out. Venting is good...keeps shit from getting bottled up and then exploding. Maybe now I can sleep instead of staring at the ceiling for 2 hours.

Date

So... I have a date tomorrow night. It was supposed to be last night, but it got moved. It doesn't have a blind date feel to it since I took the initiative and asked the girl out...tho I may have been expertly manipulated by her friend (who likes to play matchmaker) into thinking I had the initiative.

She's cute and seems interesting from what I've gathered from talking to her (ok, texting) and from reading her posts on Facebook. Hopefully I can keep conversation going over dinner without making a fool of myself.

If all goes well I'll need to learn to play Rock Band, as she seems to enjoy the game immensely. This has pluses and minuses for me. On the one hand, I've so far avoided playing these games with great success. OTOH, I'm tone deaf so having to press colored buttons rather than learn the songs by ear is nice.

Hopefully things will go well. It'll be nice to get away from the black hole that is the relationship with my ex. Don't get me wrong, she's nice to do things with and the sex is good (when it happens), but anything more than that is not in the cards. I'd prefer to not be a fat loner stuck in my house...or even a optimal body mass index loner stuck in my house (if my workout regime pans out).

Caught

So, I spent a good bit of the weekend with my Ex. She's fun, she's hot and we get along pretty well. We had some issues that got out of control and then she fucked me over. Hard. That's in the past tho. I've moved beyond bitterness now. It helps that she broke up with the guy she left me for.

Saturday had lots of low key flirting, which I enjoyed immensely. She was smiling a lot so I'm going to guess she did too. Sunday we went to the Renaissance Faire. She wore a bodice we'd bought a few years back which shows off tons of cleavage. Again, there was lots of flirting. We got back to my place, sent the kids upstairs to get changed as I had to take my son to a Cub Scout function and then started going at each other like crazed weasels (kissing, stroking, groping, licking). I just got into her when I hear a voice behind me say "what are you doing?" Dammit! After sending him to the living room we got our garments back in order. I never did explain what happened and hopefully I won't have to any time soon.

...And so it begins.

Howdy. I'm not sure how you wound up here, but feel free to stick around. I'm sure this will turn into a massive bout of whining and self-recrimination, so I won't be offended if you hit the back button. Also, there'll be swearing and the odd not-so-PC term bandied about...if that offends you fuck off now.

Let's see, let me list off my faults (as I see them):

• I'm fat - I'm not hideously obese, but I'm definitely not healthy.


• I'm old - OK, 36 is not that old. I just feel old. Tired. Worn out. Over it.


• I'm a socially awkward nerd - Frankly, the fact that I managed to land a pretty damn hot woman, marry her and father a child by her still astounds me. I've never been sure how I'm supposed to pick up women - I've pretty much lucked into it every time. I see a pretty woman and the first thing I wonder is if she thinks I'm leering at her.


• I'm lonely - I'm technically still married, but she moved out and moved on a while ago. I'm sure the fact that I'm not officially divorced is queering it for some of the ladies out there, but let's be honest the first three bullets aren't helping my cause any.


• I'm depressed - I don't really like my job anymore, but the pay is good and I hate looking for a new job. I have a hard time getting up in the morning and staying focused at work. That combined with the first four bullets does not a good combination make.


• I'm a WoW crackhead - I play a lot. I don't think it qualifies as video-game addiction, because I think that and sex addiction are complete fucking cop-outs. It would take some concerted effort on my part to give up the game, but I can. Some may say that that's the sort of thing an addict would say. My reply would be something along the lines of 'feel free to believe what you want, I don't fucking care about your opinion.' Still, I should cut back in my play time.

In summary, I don't like me very much. I should change that. Now, how to do that?

Points in my favor:

• I'm a decent looking guy - shed the excess pounds and I might qualify for handsome.


• I'm witty/funny - I credit Douglas Adams, Monty Python and George Carlin for helping me cultivate my sense of humor. I'm not the funniest man who ever lived, but I do pretty well when it comes to amusing those around me.


• I'm a decent lover by all accounts - not to sound too full of myself, but I have been told by a few independent sources that I'm good in the sack. I'll wager it has to do with me liking to give 'oral pleasure' and have a good sized wang.

Hmmm...looks like I need to get some more points in the plus column.

I think I'll stop here for now and pick up again later.